On adaptability

In this post, I am participating in the Silicon Valley Moms Blog book club.  This time around, we read “What Happened to the Girl I Married?” by Michael Miller, a tale of a husband/dad who stayed home for a while to see how his wife’s life at home changed her.  The post below is my response to the book, inspired by conversations with my husband (the Guv) that took place in reaction to the story.

Every so often, I feel like I have some sage wisdom to impart as someone who met her life partner at age 16 (he was 18).  Sometimes, that wisdom is “don’t search for a life partner at 16” … but, then again, who can tell when lasting love will plant its roots in two hearts?  As the Guv and I grew together – grew up together, in some senses, as we were still kids --  the most abiding truth of our relationship became apparent and strong: if we were to survive together, we would have to be adaptable.

What does adaptability mean?  The thesaurus throws out words like “flexible” and “changeable” as synonyms.  To me, though, the adaptability required of a relationship is more than a word with a definition: it’s a lifestyle.  It’s not only knowing, but accepting, that your partner will change over time.  People don’t typically stay as they are forever.  For example, when I met the Guv, he was going to be a history teacher; my goal was a life as a government prosecutor ending with a seat on the Supreme Court.  Fast forward nearly twenty years, and the Guv has an MBA and works in finance; I never obtained a law degree but have a graduate degree in education.  Neither of us is in the field we imagined entering college.  Instead of having the four children we planned, we have two.  I am an at-home mom, which I never would’ve dreamt I’d become.  And while we’re a lot different than we were in our younger and more foolish days, one thing is constant: we love each other.  We accept each other.  And when one of us grows in a different direction, the other adapts.

That’s not to say that we don’t have our fair share of frustrations.  Intimacy changes, ahem, after a couple of kids, and often neither one of us is satisfied with the time we get (or don’t) alone together.  Often, I get frustrated because I want to be alone, as in by myself – something you don’t get a lot of as a SAHM.  There are times that I feel like we’re waging battles over whose job is harder and more exhausting.  But at the end of the day, it’s not a competition – it’s a zero-sum game.   We actually don’t fight much, because I think he “gets it” without having had to walk a million miles in my shoes; and I’ve worked, so I appreciate his stress.   We also keep a countdown calendar for the youngest’s departure to boarding school.  It helps to know that someday we’ll be free!

So if my husband asked, “what happened to the girl I married?” he’d have a fair set of answers.  Of course I’m not the same!  (Nor is he!)  My day is longer, my fuse is shorter, I’m tired a lot and I still can’t keep house worth a damn.  We still stay up too late talking about anything and everything, and sometimes we disagree and, on occasion, make up, too.   I’m not exactly where I want to be in life, though he’s pretty sure he is; if I need a hand getting to wherever I’m going, he’ll be there to lend it.  But he won’t have to go searching for me, for I’ll be sitting on the couch right beside him – me, in version 2.0 perhaps, but the same me as ever, just as he’s the same him.

I enjoyed reading “What Happened to the Girl I Married?” because it prompted me to have a discussion with my husband about the things that have changed and the things that haven’t.  We both laughed at how husbands sit around and ask “what does she do all day?” because he knows that my to-do list grows at a rate 2x of its shrinking.  He (usually) has a sense of humor about it, and so do I.  One day, the kids will be gone, and we know we’ll look at each other triumphantly, crack open a great bottle of wine, and remember those chaotic days when the babies ruled the roost.  We know we’ll make it to that point because we adapt to our circumstances and don’t get mired down in them.  That, to me, is the key to a good marriage: sticking together, and rolling with whatever comes your way.

Would I recommend the book “What Happened to the Girl I Married?”  Sure -- if only to prompt the discussion that my husband and I had.  Truth be told, it’s a better essay than a book; it’s short, and it doesn’t have any data in it.  (Data would make it a whole different kind of book, and I’d love to see the author flesh it out that way in book 2.0!)  It’s one couple’s story, and it’s fascinating to read in the same way that it’s entertaining to watch reality TV – but their problems are not mine, and I can’t really relate much to some of their issues, like the author’s fear of his wife leaving him for someone who appreciates her more.  (Note to posterity: if I ever leave, it’d just to be left ALONE!  But I won’t.)  That said, the main things that bugged me about the book are two-fold: one, we don’t know where his wife is in all of this; and two, we anticipate that she is still a SAHM with him as a SAHD, which means that she’s probably behind him with a broom and dustpan cleaning up his attempts to “fix” things in their house.  (Just kidding – well, not really.  That’s what happens when MY husband tries to process-improve!)  It’s a book written by a well-intentioned husband, and for that reason, I give it a thumbs-up – and already have one girlfriend waiting to read my copy.

Comments

[lisa]

Agreed. This book is an excellent conversation starter for any couple. I plan on loaning my copy to my sister.

My grandparents met when they were both real young also. And stayed together (grandfather just passed last yr. at 90). I always felt they were just blessed, meeting their soul mates but I'm sure as you point out, adaptability has a lot to do with it too.

[Rox]

Thanks for commenting, Lisa; I love hearing those love stories! My grandparents have been married for 63 years and counting. They say the key to it is "finding happiness." I couldn't agree more!