Recently, I heard some bad news about my ongoing lung issues. I'll be going through some more invasive testing in late March, and there's some possible surgical intervention in my near future. This is a bit of a shock, as my next-to-last CT scan led my doc to think I might be headed out of the woods; the clearer picture in my CT scan last week told a 180-degree different story.
I'd go into detail about what's going on, but it's all still guesswork. The good news is that the situation is still under investigation and believed to be identifiable, treatable, and perhaps even correctable. With that in consideration, there is no bad news. Things could be worse, and I won't fall prey to self-pity.
What I am doing is using this struggle to reflect on a whole lot of things: foremost, the joy of living in a positive way. There is so much wonder in the everyday, and it's all the more apparent when your everyday is challenged. I pay so much more attention to the little things, like the beauty of the spring that has already sprung here in Palo Alto. I also am a lot more careful not to take people's love for granted. I'm most guilty of doing that with regard to my husband, who deserves a lot more credit than I give him for being a really good man. I do appreciate him a great deal, but I don't show it enough, and the same goes for my kids, my parents, and a whole lot of other family and friends.
But what's the best way to show that appreciation? I'm no sap, so it's a little hard. For some folks, I can just give a little more of my time, checking in a little more and making sure that I'm taking as much time to ask about their lives as they've been taking to follow up on my health news. I know that when I feel listened to, I feel like I've received a gift; and I can return that gift in kind. For others, after some significant introspection, I decided that I can do them a favor by letting go of a lot of things about which I've been bitter -- some of which have been for great reason, but stewing on them and discussing them on end serves no purpose. The Guv has accused me many times of being too process-focused and not outcomes-oriented enough. He's right. What's my definition of victory? Right now, it's simply living a joy-filled life surrounded by only positive energy. That goal is inconsistent with a whole lot of negativity around me these days. To spare feelings, I'm not going to list these things. (File that one under: "I appreciate you, so I'm not going to call you out on my blog.") I'm only going to write that I can't change other people's behaviors, so I'm changing my own. Picture me, sitting on the beach at Half Moon Bay, waving "jazz hands" in the air and surrendering. Letting go. Telling you that if I've been wrong to you, I'm sorry. Telling you that if you have treated me wrongly, maybe even many times, I forgive you. I can't change you, and you can't change me; yet we can both be better people. If you're among these folks surrounding me with "issues," know that you can't get under my skin right now; so, if you have a bone to pick, pick it elsewhere. It's both unhealthy for me and unhealthy for you. I've checked out of these little niggling battles. I can only serve one master right now, and that has to be me, with a focus on healing my body. It's funny how healing my head and my heart is coming about as part of that process.
I posted a Facebook status today quoting a Zen proverb: "Pain is inevitable. Suffering is optional." Yes, I'm experiencing some pain, but no, I'm not suffering. I choose not to suffer. I choose to fight my illness and nothing else. I choose to be grateful. I choose to be happy.
I choose to get well.
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