A week ago today, I uploaded a post titled "Elephants and Eggshells Don't Mix." The post is now (perhaps temporarily; I'm still deciding) taken down. There are a lot of reasons why I wrote the post, most especially to share my feelings on what it's like to be ill -- but also to stand up for myself. I felt backed into a corner, faced with a difficult life situation in which a non-communicative person isn't playing by what I consider to be a fair set of rules. I wanted feedback from the blogosphere on how to handle the situation. And I just wanted her to stop bothering me while I'm sick. There is, in my opinion, nothing worse that a human being can do than kicking someone when she's down, and I felt outright sucker-punched. In addition to wanting not to be bothered by her, specifically, I wanted my feelings and the adverse way in which her behavior is affecting me to be taken into account by those around us. In response, a lot of people (more than usual) read my post, and some commented -- some nicely, some not so much.
But most importantly, I realized something: I received dozens of e-mails and phone calls from people who really, truly have my back, know me, and love me as I am -- flawed as I am. They get it, because they've seen how I'm not myself these days. They've taken care of my kids, dropped off meals, and, with increasing frequency, helped me to a seat when I'm dizzy and out of breath. I am so very blessed and loved -- not by everyone, but certainly by enough. That's what will make me well. And I'm doubting that I'll be sucker-punched again.
Do I regret writing "Elephants and Eggshells?" No. It's the only opportunity I had to make my point and to let go. After all, as Tennessee Williams wrote, "His nature is not remorseless, but to escape from a trap he must act without pity." I was trapped, and I lashed out. File that one under "I'm human."
Basho wrote: "The moon is brighter now that the barn burned." Indeed, it is. My "Elephants and Eggshells" post will remain down as long as everyone remains civilized. That's the best that I think anyone can ask of me right now.
And now, off to spend some time at a St. Patrick's celebration with friends who make me laugh until I can't breathe -- the only time I run out of breath and am not scared.
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