Recently, I had the honor of penning a guest post for Diets in Review about fitness saving my life; you can read it here. It's always an honor to be a guest blogger, but this one especially is a treat because one of my favorite bloggers, Carmen of Mom to the Screaming Masses, who is a friend as well as a parenting and fitness role model to me, is involved with the DIR site. She is a brown belt in Muay Thai and knows how to kick butt in a number of forums. I have mad respect for that mama of six.
In any event, on the heels of that post, a friend told me recently that she had no idea how things were going for me health-wise because I hadn't updated my blog. As Petunia says, "Whoopsies!" Here's the skinny on how things are going healthwise:
Cautiously, I say, okay. Actually, things are better than okay. Now that my lung inflammation is down, I feel so much better than I did a year ago. I'm not "all" better, because the damage is done: it looks like I've lost some of my lung capacity permanently, and the full extent of what that means remains unclear. I'll have some more info on that in a few weeks, after some more testing (this time non-invasive: a lung echo, more PFTs, etc.). But, I'm no longer focused on sickness; as I wrote in my DIR post, I now have to focus on wellness. Fitness is a big part of that, and let me tell you something: half of the time, I absolutely hate the gym. When I'm going to my favorite yogalates class, I love the gym; but when I'm going to a "turbo burn" or "sculpt this" class (said with a New York accent, of course), I pretty much hate it. But it's up to me to save my own life, and I understand that. Doctors and medicine can only go so far. I must live as healthfully as I can, and fitness is a big, huge part of that. So I go to the gym, even and especially when I don't want to go, and, when I can't get there, I do what I can in my own house. I warm up on the Wii Fit and do some weights. I have a couple of awesome Gaiam yoga videos. I blast music and dance around the house, then do fifty push-ups and fifty sit-ups, then repeat. I own my wellness, and I'll never take it for granted again.
And that's just the thing: I'm not going to give up on myself, not again. I did that last year, and, let me tell you, that was something worse than depression; lacking the faith that I could pull myself through this sickness was more akin to dying. In fact, what made everything so much worse is that I didn't really have faith left in much of anything. When hope is gone, you just can't get un-sick.
How did I reclaim hope? Well, something bad happened, and I realized that there are people on whom you can count and people on whom you can't rely. I learned that people are motivated by many different things; and I didn't want to be one of the people who were motivated by something negative. Nothing makes you realize that more than negativity rearing its ugly head; and, frankly, I was living in a pretty negative state, and it took encountering external negativity to realize how great, actually, I had it, and how silly I was being, too. When I reflected on all of that, surrounded by my husband, two wonderful children, and a whole lot of loving friends who knew of this ordeal and were helping me to cope, I realized something: I have a really good life, a life worth living. And I could choose to focus on my own health and wellness and my own family, or I could stay in the pits and fight with anything that moved and breathed like I couldn't -- for, when I die someday, like we all will, I can die happy, or I can die miserable... which made me think that I can live well, or I can live miserably. Who would choose to live with negativity and unhappiness? You know that phrase "live like each day is your last?" Well, I started thinking: what if it is? I want to go out fighting hard -- fighting sickness, for that's going to take the last of the fight in me for many, many years to come. And I want to go out with a smile on my face, but not for at least a few more decades, preferably like six more decades at least... and it's up to me to see to that. So, I go to the gym. And I surround myself with people who make me happy. There are so very many of them; I am richly blessed with friendship and love every single day.
How did I reclaim my faith? That story of reclaiming faith both in God and in humanity will be forthcoming. That one's a more sensitive tale.
All that said, I can tell you what's been more important to me than anything throughout the whole past year but especially ongoing: friends and friendship, especially from those who are actually here to share a smile and some coffee. I always placed a high value on my independence, on having a few super-close friends and a whole lot of drinking buddies -- and over the past year, I've filled that vast empty space in the middle with friends who I can call to go shopping, have yogurt, go to a gym class, even plan a vacation. My super-close, faraway friends are still in my heart, but having good friends in the here-and-now are what got me through the most miserable time in my life. As much as fitness will make me well, so will the good karma from these great folks.
So, with a smile, I sign off, perhaps weaker physically than I was a year ago but stronger in mind and heart than I've ever been. There's a lot of good I need to do in the world to repay all of the kindness I've been shown. I look forward to doing just that.
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