Rox and Roll

Forget the Tiger Mom; how about a Tiger Child?

All of this bruhaha over Amy Chua's "Tiger Mom" parenting has gotten me alternatively thinking deeply and stewing over what it means to be an effective parent these days.  Simultaneously, my book club is reading The Price of Privilege by Madeline Levine.  (If you're raising a child in an affluent environment, this book is a must read.)  And on top of all of that, we've recently had several school interviews with our daughter, Petunia, who is applying to various private middle schools as we weigh our excellent public school options, too. 

So basically, I've been thinking a lot about what makes a successful parent, what yields a successful kid, what are my oldest child's strengths and weaknesses... what could I have done better, differently, etc.  And I've come up with a few ideas that I think are worth sharing.  (And just as an FYI, I'm referring to Petunia a lot throughout this; Dash is important to consider, too, but Petunia is my best example because of her age and the admissions processes we're going through right now.)

Most notably, I've thought a lot about what parental goals for a child should be.  Some of my friends say that they don't care what their child becomes in life as long as they're "happy."  I once wrote a post about how I'd replace "happy" with "joy-filled," but I've decided that, for us, the whole concept should be scrapped.  It's not that I don't want my kids to be "happy," but happiness as an end itself is not a goal I have for them, for it is certainly not enough in life to be "happy."  In fact, I often find people set a goal of "happy" as an excuse for not encouraging their kids to work hard in school, to join activities, to strive for success ... because, after all, if the work's too hard, the kid might not be "happy," and that's a dealbreaker.  But what does that really teach a kid about life?

That thought leads me to digress into a story about the best lesson my child ever learned.  Petunia tried out last spring for 3 competitive soccer teams, and she failed to make any one of them.  One coach told her, "You'll never play in this league."  (I have some choice words for that woman, who is one of the biggest jerks I've ever met.)  One coach did not add any players to her team, so that loss was easy to take.  The third coach told Petunia she was "on the cusp" and gave her a host of pointers, including mentioning skills to work on, suggesting some summer soccer camps, and leaving the door open for another tryout.  When Petunia learned of these failures (let's call them what they are), she didn't cry.  She wasn't even really mad.  She was determined.  She seized on those last words from that coach, and she attended a couple of summer sports camps.  When the team had openings again in the fall, she tried out again, and she gave the tryout her 110% best effort.  She made the team!  It was very exciting then and has remained so for her, especially as she has taken on additional goalie training, preferring to be in that slot for the team.

Meanwhile, let me tell you what many of my friends were saying during this process: "I'd tell her to find a new sport."  "Why don't you just tell her it's not her thing?"  "I'd never let my child suffer like that."  And my favorite: "Aren't you embarassed?"

In that situation, I was only embarassed by my friends.  My daughter was much more grown-up about the experience than they were.  The Price of Privilege speaks a lot to those parents who would do anything to avoid seeing their kid fail.  They need to meet my kid and see how much better off she is having had that experience -- and how lucky I feel that she's had it now rather than years down the line when there are so many other stressors in life.

Where was I in all of that experience, though?  Was I standing over her, screaming at her, calling her stupid, and denying her bathroom breaks to make that point (like Amy Chua did)?

Nope. I didn't even have to tell Petunia a thing.  We've taught her that the keys to life are "brains, hard work, and a good attitude."  Emphasis on "hard work."  She worked hard to make that soccer team.  She works hard in school.  She remembers that "to whom much is given, much is required" (that's the primary Proverb, Luke 12:48, by which we govern our house).  Above all, we expect her to be a good person, but, second to that, we expect her to work hard at whatever she chooses.  There are no slackers here!  And now she knows -- she learned from that soccer failure -- that hard work yields great rewards.

Enter: The Tiger Child.  The Tiger Child knows what she wants, and she goes for it full-force by her own self-motivation.  To survive, she must be able to get ahead on her own.  She must be able to self-manage in a world that demands more than "happy."  She knows first-hand that she needs to make her own opportunities in life. In turn, those achievements will make her "happy." 

Am I hard on my kid?  Sometimes.  That's a story for a whole other blog post.  Do I demand excellence?  Absolutely.  Do I crush her when she fails?  Never.  Do I lift her up?  Nope; I help her figure out how to get herself up.  I'll hand her the shovel with which she can dig out. 

At the end of the day, I don't have all of the answers, not for my kids, and not for yours, but I do know this: when I sat down in interviews and was asked to describe my kid, I had some great examples of how she self-motivates, works hard, never gives up, and maintains a good attitude throughout.  And in the back of my mind, I knew that all of that came from my self-sufficient kid who perhaps was born that way, perhaps was nurtured that way ... regardless, it didn't need to be beaten or screamed into her.  We gave her the latitude she needed for self-discovery, and darned if we don't all love who she's become.  I have no concerns about her ability to manage herself in this big, scary world, and, somehow, she got there without being tortured by her parents and at only age 10.  I think that it's a testament to the fortitude of this child, guided by loving hands but expected to self-direct -- either that, or luck.  Then again, "luck is what happens when preparation meets opportunity" (a quote from Roman philosopher Seneca).  I'm thinking she made her own luck.  Petunia: well done.

A Dispatch from the Land of Perpetual Summer

Driving the mom taxi service today, I found myself feeling something unexpected: hot.  Looking at the thermometer, it read 67, but the sun was shining brightly with nary a cloud in the sky.  My jeans-and-sweatshirt winter uniform felt quite out of place.  I rolled the windows down a bit and wished that I had my husband's convertible for the day, except that wouldn't have fit the playdate-soccer carpool-fest.  When we arrived at the field, I lingered for a moment, closed my eyes, and smelled flowers blooming.  This was yet another day -- one of hundreds each year -- where I pinched myself to make sure that really, truly, I was here, living the dream in Silicon Valley.

Oh, and what a dream it is!  I met my husband for lunch today and pitched him my lastest start-up idea: a life-improvement "ecosystem" akin to Google's campus, where families committed to education live, are employed, required to send their kids to school and to tutoring if minimum GPA requirements aren't met, offered the opportunity to attend parenting, nutrition, and other helpful classes, and, most importantly, prevented from ever viewing MTV.  After reading about the teen pregnancy epidemic in Memphis, frankly, I'm surprised that no one has had the sense to take Teen Mom (and the other, like shows) off of the air.  Gone are the days of "My So-Called Life" -- and here are the days of the glorification of the Bart Simpson "why try?" society.  I'd like to build these "ecosystems" in each of the poorest towns in America, maybe starting in Memphis.  Am I being extreme?  Of course!  But don't extreme times call for extreme measures?  Think about this: do you think that in Memphis, there are 100 families who want better for their kids than teen pregnancy and appalling high school drop-out rates?  I know there are!  Do you think they want better jobs, better access to healthcare, better education, and better results?  I know they do!  So why not try a social experiment -- a boarding school for families, of sorts?

The likelihood of this idea ever getting traction is about zero, but I'm just distraught these days: distraught, most significantly, over the death of one of my personal heroes, Sargent Shriver.  The dude lived to be 95, so, really, I should be less unsettled, but I heard him speak back in 1994 -- speak of how he wishes he were young with the world full of opporutunities that lay ahead.  He spoke of a world where peace was raged rather than war, and where kids believed in things so fiercely that we would do whatever we could to guard those beliefs 'til our own deaths.  And the sad thing is that the world Sargent Shriver envisioned then is so, so far from the world we're in almost 17 years later.  We're in the land of Real Housewives and Teen Moms and the Jersey Shore.  We're in the land of American Idol and The Apprentice.  In other words, we're in the land of Everyone Wants to Be Famous for Nothing.  Our schools suck yet more, which I didn't think was possible, and, instead of doing something about that, Republicans are focusing their efforts on repealing healthcare reform.

I think Republicans need to go to my "ecosystem" and learn a thing or two about what "normal" people want.  They want jobs.  They want healthcare (ahem).  They want better education.  They want a future for their kids that's better than what they have.  They want to be part of the American dream.  Repealing healthcare is a colossal waste of time since it's guaranteed to fail.  They'll spend weeks attempting to break something and lack the balls to actually fix what's broken.  Shame, shame, shame on the collective lot of our do-nothing politicians.

So anyway, I'm not pitching my idea to VCs or to angels or even to my friends.  They'll think I'm batsh*t crazy (and already, probably, do).  I realize that my "family boarding school" is but a pipe dream, but I do so wish that someone else could tell me how we're going to get communities to commit to education.  It can be done, but it is so very hard.  The worst schools are in the worst economic environments (but, as we saw in Waiting for Superman, many even in good neighborhoods kinda suck).  How do we make it better?  How do we stop more Memphises (which was Marbleheads just a few years ago)?

I'm not going to get discouraged.  I'm going to polish my rose-colored glasses and get back to the important task of scheduling my kids for summer camp.  I've signed Petunia up for one called "The Nature of Food," a camp in which she can study the localvore movement in agriculture.  She'll plant a raised vegetable garden, visit a large-scale farm, learn about cheesemaking, and bake some bread.  I've signed Dash up for three separate science camps, "Earth Explorations," one about habitats, and something else that involves hiking.  And I'm overwhelmed by the feeling that I am so lucky, and so are they.  I know how to scout out camps that are going to complement their education.  I'm going to invest in this enrichment with money that I'm lucky to have.  My kids attend top-notch schools, have amazing summer experiences, and are surrounded by a community that values education above much else.  And in the back of my mind, I think: what about the kids who don't?  Here in the land of perpetual summer, it's easy to be duped into thinking that everyone is living the dream.  I always will feel grateful, lucky and oh-so-happy to be here in this dream world, but I won't be fooled. 

To Sargent Shriver, and to myself, I made a commitment long ago, and that is to stand by a certain few of my beliefs until I die.  I believe that the War on Poverty needs to be waged again in America, and I believe that it will only be won through education.  I believe that education in Memphis should be as strong as it is in Palo Alto, that it should be as solid (and as funded) in West Virginia as it is in New York.  How I'll channel those beliefs into action, I have no idea, but I'm ready to try.

Haiti: One Year Later

It's hard to believe that a year has passed since Haiti's devastating earthquake, as the news remains full of reports of disease and despair in that ravaged land.  Beyond the continued lack of secure, sanitary places to live, Haitians also remain unable to make a living, as many of its raw materials are no longer available; economic relief is underfunded and has been slow to arrive.  Since it was the poorest nation in the Americas before the earthquake even hit, who knows when true recovery will happen.  I am still bothered, to my very core, over the havoc this disaster wreaked on an already-suffering country and how the devastation seems to worsen, not lessen.  I've done what I feel I can by donating time and money to relief efforts from this end.  What more can we do?

Recently, the Heart of Haiti organization has emerged, offering the first sustainable income to Haitians since the earthquake, enabling Haiti's artisans to start feeding and clothing their families again as well as facilitating their earning the money they need to start rebuilding their homes and their lives.  The Heart of Haiti initiative was founded by Willa Shalit and her company, Fairwinds Trading, a for-profit company that leverages businesses as an economic empowerment strategy for people, especially women, in the Majority World -- the part of the world where most of the world's people live in poverty.

Heart of Haiti's products are now available for purchase through a partnership with Macy's.  You can see some of these beautiful items here.  Many, like the gorgeous picture frame shown above, are handcrafted from the steel of recycled oil drums.  22% of the purchase price of these items goes directly to the artisans, resulting in bettering their lives.  The holidays may be over, but I'm going to be stocking up on some of these items to give as hostess gifts, for Valentine's Day, and for Mother's Day -- occasions when I'm going to shop anyway; it might as well be for a cause as worthy as this one.  Please consider how you can continue to help Haiti, through this or other worthy initiatives working hard for recovery.

More information on the Heart of Haiti Project and the products for purchase can be found at http://www.macys.com/heartofhaiti.  More information on the Heart of Haiti founder and Fairwinds Trading CEO Willa Shalit can be found here.

I was selected for this very special "CleverHaiti" opportunity by Clever Girls Collective, which endorses Blog With Integrity, as do I.  All opinions are my own.

Resolved

In the past, I've blown off New Year's resolutions as easily as I've blown off Lent.  (Hey, I'm a good Christian, but I'm a mom, too, which means I've given up my life as I know it for decades -- really, giving up chocolate is going to matter to the Big Guy???)  Anyhoo, this year, I have some real commitments to make because last year was the year of High Drama in just about every respect.  My health was all out of whack, and so were a whole lotta other things that I just won't go into, and, well, suffice it to say, I just wasn't too thrilled with 2010 -- except for the way we ended it, with an absolutely breathtakingly beautiful family vacation in my beloved Green Mountains of Vermont.  Nothing says "start fresh" like freshly fallen snow, and lots of it, in a place that reeks of peace and self-determination.

So this year, I have some resolutions, and they're more like life resolutions -- not just for this year, but commitments that I make with intention to live better.  I would love to hear yours, too.

I resolve:

To let it go.  What does this mean to me?  It goes way beyond "don't sweat the small stuff."  It means that I'm not carrying any "baggage" this year, or ever again.  It means that I have to accept that there are situations I cannot change, despite my best efforts.  It means that I have to accept that there are people whom I just cannot be around.  It means that I will not beat myself up over every mistake, second-guess decisions made from my gut, and fret over every move I make that may not be in perfect accord with someone else's universe.   I will be me.  I will be decisive.  And no matter what happens, I will move on.

To achieve peak fitness.  My life depends on it.  (To some extent, everyone's life depends on it, actually.)  While I've always been a gym member and aerobics groupie, I took my body for granted until part of it stopped working; I'll never do that again.  I'm focusing on strenghtening my core most of all this year, as that's the area right around my busted lung, and it feels right to encase it in something strong and protective. 

To eat with intention.  I am not a dieter, nor will I ever be.  Frankly, I eat pretty healthfully as it is, and my BMI is normal, so diet is not a huge concern.  That said, I sure do end up eating a lot of crap that I don't want to eat.  Especially running from practice to practice with the kids, it's easy to fill the void with taquitos.  (I'm convinced Mexican food is my undoing.  Have you noticed how there are rarely any veggies in Mexican cuisine?)  This year, I eat with intention.  I will fuel my body with food that belongs there. (And yes, occasionally, with things I just want -- I'm a firm believer in "everything in moderation.")  This means that I have to pay more attention to meal planning and cooking, but I have family support for that; we all want to eat out less, especially since I cook a lot better than much of what we eat elsewhere.  So, this is the year of "homemade."  My sous-chef, Petunia, is pretty fired up about that!

To get out more often.  With two kids in school, the Guv and I are relishing breakfast and lunch dates, which require no babysitter.  But we still need to make more time for things we love: concerts, movies, dinners with friends that aren't hosted in our backyard.  Whether it's with the Guv or with girlfriends, I have some awesome dresses that I need to wear somewhere.  Let's make some plans!

To be true to myself.  Wrapping up this list is something I lost a lot last year and need to regain: just plain being me.  I've always had self-confidence, but I had a heck of a lot of something new last year for the first time: self-doubt.  Part of this is fallout from the whole eff-up that was 2010, and part of this is where I am in life (in age, in friends, in income, in parenthood, in everything).  I got lost in who I was supposed to be versus who I am.  And that hasn't really changed much.  I'm a jeans-and-t-shirt gal who is never going to wear eyeliner and the perfect flats just to meet girlfriends for coffee.  Most of my girlfriends are okay with that.  I need to remember that I'm okay with that and get back to the things I love to do: wife-ing, mom-ing, writing, exercising, cooking, and, generally, living the dream.  (And maybe getting an out-of-home job one of these days...)

And that, my friends, is my wish for you in 2011: may you and yours live the dream this and every year.